Saturday, March 21, 2020

It's #COVID19 — Start Where You Are...




Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.
— Arthur Ashe

So that's what I am doing. I am not setting a goal to revive this blog, or to write every day or every week, or whatnot. I am just going to set the intention to share things when the feeling rises.

Here, in no particular order, are some insights, resources, and other things that have caught my attention, helped, made me laugh, and more.

On Trauma, Anxiety, and Freaking All the Way Out

One of my interests, out of necessity, is managing the fallout from trauma and PTSD. Those of us who've experienced severe trauma, catastrophic diagnoses and/or life events, early childhood trauma (ACEs) and more, are likely highly and easily triggered right around now, given where we are with #COVID19 plus the 24-hour news cycle app alerts, and the bottomless cesspool of social media scrolling. But, the cesspool has gems too, some of which I'll share below.

Embedded Memories Reactivate

In this Twitter thread, author Ijeoma Oluo illustrates what I was trying to describe to friends a couple of days ago. How the embedded memories of The Terrible hijack your rational mind. Some key tweets from the thread:


Oluo clarified in a later tweet that she meant "epicenter in the U.S." This reply to her from Kat Kinsman underscores the weird disconnect:


The Panic Attacked Me

I felt this deeply on Thursday, when the bubbling, frothing mix of everything I had been observing over the past weeks exploded in my brain. Beyond the deaths and suffering wrought by the virus itself, and the infuriating, despicable incompetence of this country's present leadership, what did it for me were the beginnings of the global economic meltdown, and knowing first hand about the lack of universal healthcare and a meaningful social safety net here.

I woke up attacked by panic. Yes, that construction makes sense! The panic attacked ME.

Kinsman's sentence "There is a part of the psyche that never quite heals if you've ever had to..." applies to all the If You've Ever Had Tos. As I shared with some fierce women who have recently become friends:

I have been ruined economically THREE times and am still rebuilding. This year was getting off to an amazing start and it much of it has come crushing to a halt. I am grateful to have a roof over my head (for those who don’t know, I was homeless for 5 years after 2012 due to 3 iterations of cancer financial toxicity—couch surfing, house and petsitting etc). 
Right now I am “fine”—I have contract work. But if that stops I have no recourse that I know of for unemployment or disability via the state of California as it was all 1099 (self-employed).
I think this is so terrifying for me because it is triggering…  am in too much of a panic attack state this moment to explain the mechanism, but the burned-in memory of economic ruin and having to couch surf and depend on, at times, literally the kindness of strangers is like a Monster. 
I have fought so hard to claw myself back from that situation and now this. 
But I am not back there. I am just afraid it will happen again.

Some Things That Have Helped


"This Is Not My Permanent Reality"

One thing to keep in mind is that panic attacks and other emotional tsunamis pass. It helps to remind ourselves, as my wise friend Terri Wingham often says when we discuss the collateral damage of a cancer diagnosis: "This is not my permanent reality."

Yes, of course, for now, #COVID19 feels like the entire world's permanent reality. But within that, there are moments, nuances, and joy. There is hope, a delicious piece of chocolate, or a beautiful flower, or a hilarious meme, of if you're lucky, a dog to play with, a loved one to hug (if you're in the same home and healthy!)... or whatever floats your boat.

Speaking of boats:

Advice From a Former Submarine Service Member

This Twitter thread from Jon Bailey* is full of great ideas, and I love how the author frames this as a "patrol" we are all on. Read the whole thread!
*I have never interacted with this Twitter account before so am sharing it at face value.

Wisdom, Skills, and Sweetness Via Animation 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has been on my radar, and I came across this tweet from @ActAuntie. Just hearing the kindness in the author's voice brought me to tears. My own therapist regularly tries to help me with these types of reframing and mindfulness exercises, and it most often annoys me. But sometimes it helps and it works. I am going to consider watching this video on the regular:

Social Distancing Social Schedule Overload

I leave you with this share from actor/writer François Morel. It's in Italian with French subtitles from Italian comedian Paolo Camilli. If you know that the French word "agenda" means "schedule" or "planner/calendar" in English, and that "confinement" is the official term for the French "Stay at Home" rule, I think you will grasp the gist even if you don't speak either of the two languages. Dude basically starts out saying that social distancing is a great reason to take advantage of solitude to get in touch with our inner selves, and then straightaway says "yes let's FaceTime, say when!" and it goes on from there. (Late breaking addition: It's on Paolo Camilli's Instagram with English subtitles.)

Enjoy!









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